The new product

Time and time again, the internet space explodes with excitement over rumors and speculations about unannounced products. The stories tend to be pretty similar in their tenor. As we are now nearing the end of the summer, I would like to offer pundits a chance to take a break and, in the interest of saving everyone some valuable time, I’ve created the new product form, a revolutionary fill-in-the-blank solution that will soon enter the market at a revolutionary price point. I now present the beta version of the form, along with the beta version of the rebuttal form.

Exclusive: New revolutionary product redefines category

[ Company ] is about to announce a revolutionary new [ service / product / device ] that is bound to redefine the market. After achieving domination in [other market that bears little relation to the new market being entered], the company will now force all the incumbents to rethink their approach due to the radical introduction of [technology previously tested unsuccessfully by other companies], a never-before-seen combination in a product of that kind. Combined with its outrageously low price tag, the new product will clearly crush the aspirations of [existing similar product from competitor] in the marketplace as customers will rush to purchase the new product.

[Analyst with previous favorable bias towards the company ] said “this is clearly a category killer. While many have tried entering this segment of the market, this is the first offering that is bound to appeal to consumers. It clearly that it required [company]‘s expertise to make the pieces fit in the best way possible.”

[Famous blogger who posts religiously about the company] added that “[company] has done it again. It is clear that its competitors are now doomed to failure and will be crushed as a result of this new product. They might as well throw in the towel now as this new approach clearly shows that they are on a short term death watch at this point, with no chance for redemption. Why would their other businesses continue to exist considering the importance of this new feature.”

[Supporter of company's opponents] said that such a new feature may help the company in the short but was largely a copy of what other companies have done in the past. Take, for example, what [the supporter's favorite company] did with [vaguely similar idea] several years ago. It is clear that [company] is only copying what others have done and claiming it is innovative.”

Industry now dead! We’re all doomed

The recent rumor surrounding the [assumed] release of new [service / product / device ] clearly show that the industry is in the midst of a transition that will lead to the death of everything we now know. Take, for example, [traditional industry that has existed for centuries or more]. It is clear that they will no longer be able to survive in a world where [service / product / device ] exists as their livelihood was clearly based on making money out of what is now an assumed feature in the rumored [service / product / device].

Remember when [company] introduced [successful product]. That product ended up killing [industry that was doing a decent job of committing suicide]. The new [ service / product / device ] is obviously going to do the same for [new industry that may or may not be related ]. That is what makes [ company ] a true innovator: its ability at locking up existing industry and locking out existing players in order to derive great profits for itself.

Because [company] is obviously going to own the new industry, any criticism of its strategy should be dismissed or at least ignored as it is clear that [company] does not like criticism and will try to crush any critic. As an affirmed blogger, it is better to be toeing the party line provided by [company] in order to ensure that one still has a chance at the hope of dreaming to be invited to a future company product release. As it is clear that company has made the market better for consumers by destroying the incumbents in [industry], it is also clear that anything that may shine a light on [company]‘s abuse is an attempt at manipulation by [company's] competitors.

Cycle

Taking the two templates above and cycling through most of the large players’ names on a weekly basis will ensure that you are seen as an important technology pundit and will allow you to get a high Klout score and lots of followers on the social network of your choice.

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About the Author

Tristan Louis

Writing and working on the internet since 1993, I've launched 6 companies, of which 2 (internet.com and Earthweb) went public and two were sold (Net Quotient and MoveableMedia). My latest, Keepskor provides tools allowing anyone to develop mobile and connected TV games without writing a line of code. This is my personal site and all opinions here are mine.